emotions

Just be. 

Posted on by tashsn

Sometimes you meet the perfect people and everything feels absolutely amazing. Reflecting back, I cherish the moments that have been had. It’s a wonderful feeling being with someone who makes you feel like an amazing, important person. Complete on your own and completed by them. Dependent yet independent. 
The person who makes you feel special and loved even when you are silly, embarrassing and would never show your true crazies to the world, they hold your hand and tell you that they can be silly with you because you are wonderful and that the world is missing out because they can’t be silly with us. That person who gets you excited to wake up in the morning because you have to tell them about your dreams, your passions that you’ve missed out telling on during the few hours that you sleep. The person who’s ecstatic as you are to hear your voice and know that you are together, in the world with each other. A kind of joy and magic that you’ve never shared with anyone or felt before.

The person that you want to be honest and genuine to because you want them to know the purest form of you, filter free. You want them to see the ugly, the bad and also the good- the fifty shades of you. Or all hundred of them. The same person that loves all the shades and takes you in, sweat and soul. The kind of person that makes your heart explode with joy and love, the kind of love that they do to you makes you want to shine so bright and scream off rooftops. Because when they say it, it sounds more beautiful than those three words could ever have been. 

The kind of person that you can watch sleep for hours and just have comfort with their warmth next to you. To see them sleep soundly like a child, with a little pout of their mouth and to feel them pull you in closer and give you that kind of peaceful sleep knowing you are safe in their arms. To just hear them breathe, chest heaving up and down, which automatically calms you down. 

When you find the person that makes you feel more beautiful from one photo that you send them than a lifetime of compliments ever given to you. If they tell you that could wake up to your face after a 1000 years of sleep, you know that you mean the world to them. The highest compliment ever paid. 

When they tell you that you are annoying, lazy, inconsiderate, mean, be with them because they see you as a complete, three dimensional person with flaws and all yet they trust to tell you upfront because they know you will take it. They make you realise that they know you aren’t a fragile rose petal who can’t handle the truths about life but a human being, a work-in-progress who would love their advice, comfort and concern and have the courage to brave the reality.

The kind of person whose accomplishments make you happy, their joy gives you pleasure and whose pain brings tears to your eyes. When a person has the power to affect you, be with them. If you’ve ever cried for them and they for you, especially a man, you know you mean the world to them.  That person who pushes you to surpass your best, who talks sense into you and keeps pushing you because they know that you are capable of much more and they believe in your potential. They know you can take it and you have the courage to endure what ever may come and know that you give yourself credit for too little. 

The person who makes you understand the power of caring for someone else and putting their health, safety and security beyond your own because it’s in these moments you realise who is really there for you and the immense amount of love and passion that can exist between two human beings. Proudly be with the person that makes you want to be a better person not because of pressure but because they instill so much respect and pride in you for them, that you want to strive to work harder for them, everyday of your life to be the best person you could be.

If the person has a scent that makes you feel at home, that you sniff out from a distance, that you keep sniffing on your clothes long after they’ve left, you know you can be with them. They can make you feel like a big massive cuddle and home with a spray of scent, imagine the power of other things. They make you open up your uglies and break down the walls and embrace your vulnerabilities because you know if you fell, they’ll catch you. Because they tell you they are here with the hammer to break the walls down but if ever needed, they will be your rock. Be with them because you know, that despite your reluctance and uneasiness, you will be safe opening up to them and free, more freedom than you’ve ever felt. Be with them because they’ll make you feel like a meek lamb and a wonder woman at the same time. 

They won’t make you feel like you are useless or like you are carrying the world’s weight on your shoulders, but they will make you feel like a part of a hell of a great team. One half of it. So that you can lean on them when you are hurting and they know that you can summon every ounce of courage and strength possible to be by their side when they are hurting and to keep them safe.

Be with them if the thought of losing them scares and shakes your insides or if something happening to them will sweep the world from under your feet and like soul mates ring true to its word where a part of your soul lives in them. Not because the worry and burden is something you deserve or are worth of but it makes you realise how real life is and how only real bonds and relationships can be taken into the universe and be counted amongst stars. Not materialistic things. They make you forget about materialistic desires, if they are there, that’s all you need. They will teach you what real love and happiness is and how it is truly branched out of people you care for. 

Be with that person who makes you feel so real and alive. Who makes you feel like the best version of you that you’ve ever been. It’s not because they define and determine who you are, but because of your feelings for them, the tendernessness, love and willingness to do anything for them in the world to make them happy are the things that make you feel the most human and feel the essence of your being- the essence of love. 

When you find those people, it’s like the perfect tango every danced and ever witnessed. It’s like magic. 

Love,

– T xx

P.S- once a woman left a comment on my blog. If she ever comes back and reads my post, she should know that it takes ‘two’ to tango. You can’t tango on your own. 

Recapping 2015..

Posted on by tashsn

So this blog.

Its a tough one, I can’t break off from it nor stay committed but listening to the radio this morning, and listening to the jocks be so grateful to each other and for the year that’s nearly gone by, I decided to step both my feet back into this abandoned blog.

So much has changed since A, in the past two years or so. This year has been dramatic and wonderful at the same time and last year was a wisp of dust in the air. The sun shone brighter this year I’d say. I’ve discovered friendships in friends and relationships in friendships. I’ve known what to seal down and what to let go. Decisions have been a major part of 2015 for me. To stay or to let go. Move or standstill. Breathe or hold back. Dream and soar or stay rooted. Despite the times gone by and the tears and rain, despite the patches of darkness or brittle cold, there are always moments in the three hundred and sixty five days that make us love ourselves a little more, feel proud just a tad bit extra, be grateful for the people holding on, thankful for the sunrises and sunsets, glad to be alive and I’m going to look at those moments and just say yes, I’ve been 25 years old for 11 months and it has been challenging, beautiful, hard, an experience but I’ve made it through to the other side.

Every year, one of the most important things I reflect back on are the people I’ve met or the people that I’ve lost. I am a griever, I will always grieve the people that I’ve lost. I believe that every person who has come into my life and touched it in some way taught me something, little or big, but have left their mark. It is sad that they couldn’t stay for whatever reason but I think I’m stronger and more receptive of the fact that nothing lasts forever and people move on.

I look at the moments that became memories as well. Whoever we are, whatever we become, one thing remains true to our soul- the memories we create with people. When I catch up with my boys, once in a while in some loud, overcrowded, smoke filled pub, we sit and reminisce about school, talk about ‘good old days’ and update each other on the friends that we are in touch with. There in that moment, our jobs, our lives, our problems are insignificant because all that matters is the company that you are in and the moments you are creating, that will be talked about and laughed about in the years to come. I love moments which become memories. Sometimes while sitting in a very merry atmosphere, I disconnect and travel into the little space in my mind and look at the joy from above, its small and beautiful and I hold them so close to my heart. This year gave me many of those moments for which I will always be grateful. Which I will always cherish.

I try to think back to happiness as well. When everything looks dark and bleary, you try and find a ray of hope, a little ray of sunshine to let it warm your soul. In the many downs of the year, I’ve had little ups too and those ups have had my heart explode with joy. The real kind of happiness is when you are smiling from your soul and you feel the happiness in your bones and I’ve had that so I count myself fortunate to see the beauty in the after light. One of the happiest moments of the year have to be Thanksgiving. I’ve been truly grateful to just be there, alive, basking in the glory of what looked like a perfect day.

I’m passionate about the relationships I have, the people I know, family and travelling. Travel was a major part of this year and the end of last year. I was fortunate enough to discover the magical lands of Nepal, the commercial hub and Bollywood land of India in Mumbai, various parts of Europe this year panning from Amsterdam and Paris to Rome and Portugal and have once again, lived the rose tinted film frame, as we say in our line of industry in the movies. I’ve been fascinated by public fresh water fountains, penny tossing ponds, the smell of freshly baked buns, ingredients so fresh, I’ve been fascinated by vineyards, had a towed away car, befriended so many people from so many walks of life but most importantly travelled alone again and discovered the love for life a little more. Whether it was enjoying the sunset on the River Tiber in Rome or watching the sunrise in Lagos, Portugal. Whether it was watching the closing festival of SAIL 2015 from our room parked along the dockside in Amsterdam or watching the goblet of gold take a dip in plush white clouds in the horizon from a bar on a rooftop in Lisbon. Whether it was walking to and fro on the bridge that connects the two sides of Porto or climbing down to climb back up in Braga or it was the delish apple pie from Winkel 43 in Amsterdam, it made me fall in love a little bit more- with life.

I also had moments where I almost died this year. Things that tapped into the truest part of my soul and questioned where my faith lay and on whom, I doubted the institution of friendship, the commitment of love, I experienced loneliness while being surrounded by people that loved and cared for me. I saw darkness. I found myself sick on empty, dark roads and expecting more than I should have. I’ve discovered truths about people that I may have never looked for and seen how people affect you so deeply to shift the balance of your soul. There have been moments when I have questioned every single thought I’ve had and have wanted to get away from it all. I did not take up to writing either. I also saw the strength that lay beneath it all. I had one foot out, but stayed put. I crumbled to dust, but I rose from it. I always have and always will give it all to bring whatever goodness I can to others. I have wondered so very often this year, why I did not deserve the things I did not have or why people create the need in you, for things you may not need.

Its been a trying year but I also made the best decision of my life by getting a ball of fluff home who is now the reason for me to smile through whatever my day may be like. A fun, excited face full of love and tongue and tail wagging awaits me every night at home and he has taught me what true love is like. Selfless, joyous, soul comforting and beautiful. I’ve learned a love like I’ve never before by just having him jump up and down to my knee every morning while I get ready for work and then watch me close the door behind me with a sad face when I leave and the uncontrolled joy he gets when I come back, I’ve learned that no human can ever be so selfless and giving like a puppy dog. He’s always brightened me up more than I could have asked for.

I’ve also been on the fence this year, a little bit more than my liking. Confused about concepts that I never heard of, that I was now in. Dilemmas galore, does this really exist? Can I co-exist? Questions that I’ve never imagined popped up. I changed a little, challenged my morals, disproved everything I once believed and just once again trusted wholeheartedly. And Yes, there was a moment when I asked ‘why me’, why am I facing the consequences of situations I never asked for or wanted to be in. But, the theme quote for this year has been ‘C’est la vie’ and so I brushed the dust and said my favorite quote and got by. Truly, it has been a very interesting year.

I’ve got a lot of love and care packaged silently into words for me too. I believe the words so strongly that sometimes I was disappointed when actions didn’t match up but I think I’m like my little puppy dog sometimes. When I can’t do a nose lick and get a belly rub, I can get a little low. I’ve missed my friends thoroughly, especially the ones who’ve drifted apart and relied on one for everything that I could. Its been a normal year on some terms I’d say. I had laughs, I was more open to doing random things, I had moments translate to memories, I had love and smiles, I had lots of drinking, travelling and befriending, I had lots of tears, lots of yearning and like life comes with its bumpy roads, I’ve wanted to ride along and discover even more.

Here’s to another adventure in 2016 and to more words typed out on a laptop, while staring out at window filtering the million thoughts.

-T.

 

Day One: Breaking Off

Posted on by tashsn

It’s funny isn’t it, that you start counting your blessings and you start counting the lessons on your fingertips. You think there is only one kind of pain or hurt for each thing so when you’ve gone through loss, suffering, fights, anger, hate, you think you have learned how to deal with one situation, one scenario from the bruises you gained and its ticked off, it won’t happen again… but its funny because sometimes you walk down the trodden path and you still find new ways to learn things, new ways to be hurt, new ways to be disappointed, new decisions to make at old junctions. You stand corrected- you stand confused.

I find it hard to understand how we create a little bubble and somehow tend to become oblivious to reality. Its like you are living in a little world of your own and then everything seems great, you hold everything so close to your heart in this alternate reality and one day it just goes pop and you are left to wonder ‘where did I go wrong’ and ‘why didn’t I see it coming’ ?

Each and every time I think I’ve gone through this, people leaving, things changing, being surprised, being disappointed, its a part of life. That’s what we call the journey but why is it so hard to ‘break off’. I’ve been through many situations with friends, loved ones, family, colleagues and all it takes is to make one tough decision and then to stop. Breathe. Move on. It may be hard but we do it and we survive. But sometimes, its just so hard because you don’t get closure. You don’t see it coming, you don’t want to accept it. Its D-Day. It didn’t work. What you thought was yours, isn’t yours. You are on your own. This is your personal battle.

I think while I am writing this today, I’m overwhelmed by the situation and i’m emotionally drained because there is no logic to make me understand this. I know the right thing to do is to get up and walk away but then it also feels like ripping your heart out of its ribcage just for fun, it feels like drowning, it feels like there is no air left to breathe. Its just so hard. You know what you want but you can’t hold on because it just hurts. So when you can’t let go, you can’t hold on, what do you do? I’ve decided to ‘take a break’ but I know in my heart that no break will be long enough to heal, to overcome the situation, so I’m lying to myself and making an exit because nothing else seems viable at the moment, at least it won’t rain down like hot lava and burn you to ashes, because hope is what keeps people going. Maybe that’s what you hope for, one day, you’ll wake up and it will be a beautiful day, the sun will be shining again and you’ll have everything you’ve dreamt of. Then again you know that you won’t overcome it so easily, so to break off is to really let go. Maybe for a while, maybe forever… are you ready? Are you ever ready?

What baffles me even further is just nature. Why does one thing happen far too many times to people? How many times do you need to learn one lesson? When you try to protect yourself then why do you take the initiative but then drop your reservations and listen to gut instinct to fail at the end of it all? Some answers we may never get or find. All you are or all you will be at the end of the day are broken pieces of mirror on the bathroom floor. Scattered, Shattered.

I don’t think I believe in love anymore. I know it can be beautiful, I’ve seen it. I know it can be wonderful, exciting and fulfilling but I think I’ve seen too much loss. The loss of things that matter far too often. I don’t know if I have the courage to be attached to any place, any person, anymore for the fear of being let down. Fear is a dark thing, it prevents you, it protects you but it also caves you in. Sometimes some people come through as companions, advisors and soulmates and they put out a hand and drive you out of the darkness into hope and light but then when the hand goes away, they push you back into the same hole. I’ve seen ups and seen lows but I think some lows just push you out and back into a hole where you want to be in because you lose the ability to trust. You don’t want to hurt, you don’t want to be vulnerable, you want to invincible, strong, beating the odds but when emotional attachments throw you over, you are all but a crooked smile, a teary eye, a quivering lip and a broken heart.

I don’t think people look at someone as their first love. You have many loves before you realise what real love is. He or she may not be the first person you look at with a mouthful of forever ever afters, loss comes to you like edges of a sharp knife and cuts deep wedges in your soul. We may have lived through with more scars on our record than skin. I think love comes unannounced in the middle of the night, like a silent breeze through the window crack, when you least expect it and when you think you are done with it. Sometimes it almost feels like a miracle. But then you heal. You kiss that moment like forgiveness and you hold onto another like hope has finally arrived and wrap your lives around another like its a bandage that will heal you. There will be promises made on napkins, like pressed flowers in between a novel and no amount of songs, poems, movie dialogues or words for that matter can describe how you feel when you think you found that kind of magic. You shine like the moon and leave behind stardust with each of your footsteps. You are brave, you show your weaknesses and your scars and sometimes you shy away from the imperfect reflection on the mirror but you know that you will be embraced and you can burn as bright as the sun or be a puddle of mess on the couch and you will still be admired. Sometimes its the most beautiful thing that you will discover, you know you will love them if they were a still day or if they were a hurricane.

– T

Felicitations?

Posted on by tashsn

The year started off well. After an excruciating period of boredom, I finally landed with a job “of my choice”, I got busier and A has two weeks to be an official sound engineer. Its moving fast. Many got married, others got babies and some moved countries. All good. I wove another web of new dreams. New plans. Strategies. 

Then the coin flipped. Like all things, this year turned its back on me even before it completed a quarter; and is refusing to flip back on. Lots of deaths. Many of them are just names for me. Faces lost in crowds. Relations unheard of. One of them was my Nan. She was important. Very important to me. Human emotions are inconceivable. We always have one conception of our reactions in our head: I will scream if I break a leg. I will faint if that pop star comes over to me, I will be jubilant if I win the lottery. 

But when these moments occur we are either overwhelmed or astonished, it either din’t live up to our expectations or it was a complete blow! Nan has always been a big comfort. She’s been loving, patient, kind and admirable. The perfect example. I feel like I’ve lost not only my Nan, but the only other person who truly loved me (apart from my immediate family and A) Its like I lost love too. When I heard she passed away. I was hysterical at first. No, I literally did laugh out loud. Then, I was in denial. “No that doesn’t look like her dad!” I would retort. Finally it sank in. I cried one whole night. I was overwhelmed. A part of me believed and still believes that she still lives there, and its all a joke. But every time I see grief in my mum’s eyes, I remember that she is actually is gone. 

The thought of her passing away always scared me. I perceived differently. It was unexpected, unprepared for and in the wrong lapse of time. Yet it occurred. Inevitable as it is said to be. But I did not react like the preconceived histrionics in my head, I got over it. Of course every time my mum talks about it, I feel depressed. I can feel her pain. We are pretty close. I feel her. But it just did not affect as much. Maybe I am still in a trance, more hypnotized than I am supposed to be and that it monopolizes my emotions- therefore I am not bits and pieces. 

Today is my parent’s anniversary and mother’s day too. The second big event that has occurred since Nan’s death. It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t wished my mum yet. (12.41.48) I don’t know how to? Its a bit of an aberrant situation. She doesn’t even listen to music, how should I wish her? Bake her a cake? Take flowers home for her? It doesn’t seem apt. Pretend like its forgotten? She is grieving in her heart. She is normal on the outside. Do I listen to her heart or adapt to the realism. It’s been bothering me for days now. To do or not to do? It has only been half a day and I have tried to ignore wishing her but its tugging at heart strings. A childhood tradition. I never forget.

I want her to feel that wherever Nan is, she is proud of her daughter. She might have said it many times, but I want her to know that she is looking at her from above there and is proud that her grandchildren think that not only is she an awesome mum, but we can also discern her as a wonderful daughter. She is a role model. I know everyone’s mums are. But after seeing her handle death unflinchingly and paint a smile across her face- I haven’t seen many do that. I haven’t seen her in bed one day, depressed and puffy eyed. She brought as much normalcy to our household as any mum would on any normal day. She whimpers a little when she shares those last memoirs of her mum and herself.  I can’t imagine myself standing still through a situation like this. When they say mothers are the backbone of the family. They are so damn true.

To all the mothers, daughters, to the loved and the lost. Happy Mother’s day! Don’t pass any opportunity to tell them how much they mean to you. Its never said enough and we’ll not always have the chance.

Cheers!

– Tash.x

The hardest blow

Posted on by tashsn

How often do we assume the negative? How often do we prepare for the worse? Its a cinch to throw a party or plan a vacation but how frequently do we value those who are close to us? I don’t say I do. No, I don’t. A multitude of things remind us of who we are, what we do and how we are accountable of our actions, but we seldom acknowledge it. We are too preoccupied in the juggernaut of selfish deeds that we presumably overlook the little things in life until the hardest blow. Is it worth realising its too late or regretting time wasted? Not really. 

We are ensconced in front of our television sets regularly, catching up on fiction stories made out of one man’s imagination or another woman’s creative writing laid out on paper, I ,too do so, but sometimes while sitting through an emotional series of an enigmatic episode it dawns upon me that some of these soaps and some of the books we read actually makes us realise the value of life and those who make it worthwhile. Why wait for the hardest blow? Why wait until alls lost to end up bawling like there’s no tomorrow? I just sat myself through a sentimental, heart-warming episode of my favourite series only to find myself in tears at the end of it. Most of us our faced with this situation. We read novels by veteran writers, watch art movies and tempestuous television series and tend to quickly connect with the characters and their apocryphal situations but as the forty-five minutes of melodrama comes to an end our mind shuts off and automatically situates itself back into reality. We neglect what we felt a moment ago, we ignore the sympathy we felt for the woman who lost her husband, the child who was just orphaned, the bride who just got widowed, we no longer feel pity for the eighteen year old who lost her entire family in the crash. No, the minute our eyes cease to witness the colourful chaos on the 45” television set sitting like the Royal prince of Brunei in our living room, we cease to think, we cease to relate, we cease to feel.

I have envisioned life as a coin. A coin has two sides. Our present is the side of the coin that we are living, enjoying, confronting. The other side of the coin is the dark side. The future. The side we are unaware of, unprepared and oblivious of. “The good needs no preparation”, they say. “Its the worse we forget to prepare for”.  I believe that every time we confront someone else’s experiences, we need to learn from them. Observation is vital and learning from observation is quintessential. Fiction is also a great teacher, it shows us potential dangers, likeliness of an unfavourable event and warns us to prepare ourselves for the unexpected. Death is inevitable. It can occur anywhere, anytime to anyone, and as much as we love our family, friends and loved ones, we lose in the hands of time. We stand defeated, regardless of the progress technology, medical sciences and mankind has attained. 

I’d learn. Every time I give up, I’ll tell myself not to for there might not be a tomorrow to make one more attempt. I’ll tell myself to cry if I wish to, those held up tears might dry up with the emotions inside me. I’d tell myself to love unconditionally, madly and deeply. I might be labelled as a deranged lover but I would know I have given my most in this lifetime and have loved another with no regrets. I will indulge in my life completely with those I love dearly, this may be the last time I meet them today. I will attempt to create less moments of grief and more moments to cherish, I may not have the opportunity tomorrow. I will pray whole heartedly for if there are no prayers there might be no hope. I will forgive. I must forgive. As irascible as I may be, I must forgive for the less grudges I hold, the less guilty I shall be. I will fix the mistakes of my past no matter how buried in the past they might be. If there is scope for a problem to be fixed it means the wounds have yet not healed. People will always remember how you made them feel. I will make attempts to always be coherent with my speech and actions : little misunderstandings go a long way. I will make the most of everyday and the most of every relation I have. I will say I love you regardless of the irritation it may cause, I may never get to express again. I will value God’s gift of life for I am more fortunate to be alive, cared and loved for. I am fortunate to be able to express my views liberally. I am fortunate I live in a free world.

Millions of people experience grief everyday. They loose loved ones while we loose one more fellow human being. Grief and loss is inexpressible and we’ve all faced it at some point or the other, the only way we can reduce grievances is by knowing that we’ve lived a good life and have been good to others. Don’t hang up fighting over the phone, say I love you as often as possible, tell yourself its okay if you can’t tolerate them but don’t hate them. Don’t seek vengeance, we don’t live forever. Don’t segregate and don’t be partial. Our actions today might hurt some people, it may cause us good but harm others. Live life fully yet be humble. Take advice into consideration and acknowledge them, those who advice care for you. Try to accomplish every dream honestly and make wise decisions. We live ONCE, we must live whole heartedly.

Amen!

  Don’t wait for the hardest blow to obfuscate us, sadden us and leave our belief regrettably hampered, embrace those you love, subsume in your life and scrutinise little things in life that adds glory to living. One moment we may have everything and the next minute we may have lost it all. Don’t forget fiction that exemplifies our life stories, they may not be true but they can be. Pay heed to the importance of being alive.

Eat, love and Pray.

-Tash.x